‘Madam, kafi dino ke baad kara rahe ho!’, so says my ‘pedicurist’ (just made up the word)! He’s talking about my cracked, hardened feet that have been ignored in the last 6 months. I really don’t have the patience (and never had the time) for salon visits, but this time its really, really bad! As I begin to write this post, my feet are being kneaded, scrubbed and massaged…reminding me that its okay to pamper myself sometimes. It’s quite another thing that Vihaan is wailing in his Nanny’s lap next to me!
Vihaan is now a sprawling baby at 4.5 months. He has taken to our home in Noida (minus his doting grandparents) happily. He loves his Dad, squeels in delight everytime he sees him, loves his games and prefers his lap as he goes to sleep every night. I, on the other hand am dealing with domestic woes after 6 months. Cook going on leave, maid asking for a raise and the entry of the Nanny! It’s a tremendous journey for me. From 2011 to 2012, this day marks a journey that has turned my life around.
8th February 2011 was the day when I discovered Vihaan is on his way. The day I was bombarded with emotions and thoughts that never visited me before. The day I was happy, scared, jubiliant, cranky, confident, worried…all at the same time. Today, a year later I have a 4.5 month old who has taken over my life in a way that I never expected.
So what has changed in me? Except the fact that I have a toddler? A lot really. People say ‘priorities’ change after a baby. Well, yes they do…you no longer are selfish, you think beyond your own self. You look at a life that you have brought into this world and hold yourself accountable for everything that your child undergoes. Sometimes careers bear the brunt too. I can’t help but bring it up because a month from now when Vihaan will dig his gums into semi solids I will be on my way to work. Back to office. To a desk. To the newsroom that I was addicted to. To a job that hovered over my mind all day long and drew out every bit of my time and energy. A life outside office was unthinkable! A life with a baby was unthinkable! A year back, on this day I decided I had to look at my life differently. I had to find some ‘me’ time. I had to learn to slow down. I had to learn to enjoy each day. I had to learn to thank God for the little gifts he had given me. I was reflective, yes, but not sentimental. For the first time in my life I realised I wasn’t being me. I had forgotten to look forward to life’s little joys…the little things that matter. I was emotional about my workplace. My job was my life and I didn’t regret missing out on a life outside work. Friends were forgotten. My love life and later marriage was taken for granted. And parents were expected to come and see me! All that changed, as I realised that life was not worth living without friends and family. I forgot that I was earning (and mind you I don’t have a fancy package either) to live…and not vice versa! But despite this awakening, when I took off from work 6 months back I was nervous of letting go. The fear of letting go of a familiar life was scary…what if I regretted life after Googly arrived? What if my ‘career’ suffered after the baby? What if I was considered ‘unprofessional’ after my renewed commitments to life? What if I wasn’t deemed fit to handle the pressures of television? And most importantly…what if I failed to be the unapologetic, enthusiastic, eager beaver television producer that I’ve always been? What if I fail to handle the work and baby? What if my baby and work suffer due to my divided attention??
In the last 6 months I’ve enjoyed utmost attention, love and affection from many, many people. I didn’t expect it, but I connected with a lot many forgotten friends…you know the ones you add on Facebook and forget about? This journal has reaped a loyal readership…so far I have encouraged one to start a blog, though I’m waiting for it to debute! I’ve thanked God for the wonderful parents I’ve got and prayed that Aniruddha and I become better parents to Vihaan. Our lives get tougher from here. I don’t want Vihaan to suffer from the ‘Double Income Single Kids’ syndrome. I want us to have enough time for him. At the same time I want to have a life outside home. No, the fatigue hasn’t set in…I love being a mother. I love pottering around Vihaan all day long and I’m not itching to get back to the workaholic mode that I was! But I want to have a life outside home too…to still have a career that I’m proud of…to go for a few holidays every year…to read a few good books…complete my own…to be at peace with myself…I want to enjoy being a mother, I also want to fulfill the little joys of life. I still wanna discover ‘me’. I had decided that I will never hold Vihaan responsible for unfinished dreams…I still think like that…but its time I renew those little promises to myself.
Priorities change, but what really changes is your view of life. Your own life…and yes, its a good thing. I will celebrate it…like I am now with a shocking pink nail polish on my toe nails!! The last time I remember I had a raging color on my nails…I was 16!!
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