When I was pregnant Aniruddha and I used to often say, “The thought of a baby brings on a smile. Once we have the baby, a few months down the line, the thought of a baby would be nice!”
It’s been 3 months since Vihaan came into our lives and for every moment in these months I have thanked God for bringing him into our lives.
It’s been a long wait for you dear readers, and apologies are in order for such a long delay in writing a post. Vihaan has been nothing less than a tsunami in my life. Nearly a week after his birth Vihaan and I came home. I was getting to know my darling Googly all over again…trying to see signs of connect. I wanted him to recognise his mother. From the moment I could sit up without help I welcomed my night shift duties for my son. So, alone every night, I would wake up for nappy changes, feeds and burps very happily. And then, the blues hit me!
I had a terrible, terrible bout of baby blues. All my nine months of prep and bonding with Googly gave me little courage when I held Vihaan in my arms. Am I doing the right things? Is Vihaan comfortable? Is he hungry? Is he sleeping well? Will I be a good mother? Will I be able to give Vihaan a happy childhood? Will my relationship with Aniruddha change? Will my relationship with my parents change? Will be able to do justice to Vihaan if I go back to work? All the questions that raged through me at the start of the pregnancy came screaming back into my life! And with a tiny Vihaan in my hands, I sobbed, sobbed and sobbed. It was Aniruddha who walked me through that rough post partum depression. He held me, talked to me at length and assured me that I am doing the best for our son. He prodded me to follow my instinct, telling me that our son would tell me if I am going right or wrong…and that nothing changes in our lives…just that we now have Vihaan to share our lives with. I have never loved Aniruddha more…
As the first rush of motherhood soaked me I was filled with deep gratitude for my parents. You know like they say, “The day you have your own kid, you will understand”! Well, I did! I also realised that being a parent doesn’t take away the child in me. I still am and will be my parents’ child all my life…Vihaan doesn’t change that!
Vihaan was 2 weeks old when he suddenly decided to go on a strike. And being the stubborn Mom that I am I struggled with him. He refused to take his feed and I refused to give him the bottle!! Vihaan won the fight…he kicked me hard and cried till he turned red with rage. I gave up the fight and woke up the next morning in a lot of pain. The next 10 days were hell. I developed breast abscess and. I struggled to feed Vihaan. Once again, I spent nights cradling him in my arms. In pain, with tears rolling down my eyes I nursed him refusing to give up. All my understanding of mother’s milk was not in vain. I was convinced that I had to nurse him! Bloodied feeds, blackened stools, angry slaps and punches (Vihaan’s), a relentless mother who refuses to give up…Vihaan and I have our own stories to tell! BFing has not been a smooth ride for us…and even after 3 months our battles continue! I still fight a few pet demons though…of guilt, of not being able to feed him enough…but like Aniruddha says, Vihaan won’t love me less for not feeding him exclusively!
Vihaan has his chosen set of lullabyes. I don’t need a code book for his cries now. I love it when he is in his granny’s lap and looks at me. I love it when he soothes the moment I pick him up. I love it when he smiles at me the first thing in the morning. The days of doubt still linger. Sometimes I wonder if he truly recognizes me. But then he smiles when I call him “Googly”.
Its been 3 months and I still don’t know what’s the hullabaloo about midnight shifts? For someone like me who can sleep in an autorickshaw while going to office, I have never complained for one sleepless night!! In fact I love it! It’s that time of the day when I tell Vihaan about all that his dad I spoke of during the day! Of course, I only tell him the parts that concern him!! *wink*
While his grandparents are addicted to Vihaan and are ready for a tug of war anytime soon…Aniruddha has been reduced to a BBM, FB Daddy!! I share everything with him. Vihaan’s smiles, coos, cries and tantrums. But it is one thing to know about everything and quite another to experience it first hand. He’s a brave Dad…had I been in his place I wouldn’t have been able to stay away from my son!
Motherhood is very strange! No one taught me how to be a mother, until Vihaan came along. Today my arm hurts everytime I pick him up, but the moment he sets his head over my heart…I gain strength. He has brought out an unknown facet in me…and really its overwhelming! He’s made me stronger and firmer. Today I am willing to take on the world for him.
My tiny rabbit is growing up…and very soon! God knows…I can do anything to go back to that moment when I heard his first cry…